Dating Advice from Kyoryu Cyan, by Anon.
“Souji my young friend! I have heard you are having a bit of a challenge with a friend who is a girl! Would you like some help from your well learned mentor figure?”
Souji continued his swing repetitions, breathing heavily, face flushed as he brought the sword down over and over with powerful swings. His ears grew pink to match his cheeks at the sound of Ramirez’s jolly voice.
“No thank you…Mr. Ramirez…I’ve had…enough advice…for a while…”
Souji had spent the last three days being tutored in “romance” by every other member of the team. From a bad boy makeover by Ian to lessons in stand-up comedy and the importance of facial hair by Nossan, Souji was pretty much certain he had destroyed any possible chance of pursuing Nao, the new transfer in his class.
“Nonsense my boy! One can never hear enough about matters of a heart. Especially when they be hearing it from a true ladies man.” Ramirez stepped in front of Souji, his smile shining under that tangle of a beard like always. Bringing his sword down, Souji stepped aside to take a drink, resigning himself to another lecture. He could probably get out of actually doing anything Ramirez wanted at least, since he couldn’t actually be grabbed and jammed into a ridiculous ceremonial garb Utchy had found god only knows where.
“No, I do not know what the others have been telling you so far, but I am sure they have talked to you of the importance of grooming them before you offer, yes?” Souji was dumbfounded for a moment. The ancient warrior’s dialect could be a bit hard to follow at times, but this was more nonsensical than usual.
“Uh…Ian and Utsusemimaru already talked about proper attire. It didn’t turn out that well.” How Ian survived in all that black leather still baffled him.
“HA HA HA My boy! Not YOUR appearance! The appearance of the goats!”
“…I’m sorry, Mr. Ramirez?” The permanent smile on the giant’s face faltered for a moment. “You are serious? You mean you have not offered any goats to the girl or the family? Not even a kid?”
Souji collapsed onto a bench against the wall, wiping away sweat with a towel. “Why would I give anyone goats?” He regretted the question as soon as he asked it.
“Oh my boy, goats are the most greatest beast of our age! They are hardy creatures, able to both work and provide delicious milk for a growing family! I must say, the lack of goat cheese in your modern world has been a great disappointment to me.” He shook his head with a sigh, remembering the glory of goat cheese wheels gone by.
“But we are talking of you now! My boy, an offering of goats to a lady and her father shows you are a strong provider. It is of no wonder that she has rejected the advances of a man that cannot present even a single goat. You look a child! Not a warrior!” Ramirez sat next to the exhausted boy, throwing an ethereal arm around his shoulders. Souji couldn’t tell if ghosts actually smelled like vagabonds or if he was just imagining it, but he had never had a particularly active imagination.
“I think the world has changed more than you think, Mr. Ramirez. No one really gives…goats…to anyone today.”
“NONSENSE! The majesty of a magnificent goat is a no time value! I am certain if you would speak to your father, he would proudly speak of presenting a well brushed goat and delicious circles of cheese to your grandfather when asking your mother’s hand in marriage. Why, I remember the joy on my own wife’s face as I led a parade of goats down the path to her family farm at sunrise. Partnering with Ankydon was the second most proudest moment of my life, defeated only by the blessing of her father when he tasted the cheese of my goats. That was the day I truly became a man.” Souji was tugged into the large man as he brushed a single glistening tear from his eye. Riding home with his bride to be in their goat drawn carriage was among his most treasured memories.